The Connection Between Sleepless Nights and Your Hormones, Plus 6 Natural Sleep Hacks

Are you unable to fall asleep at night? Or perhaps you’re waking up at 2 or 3am, unable to go back to sleep? Maybe you used to sleep like a baby, but can’t remember what that even feels like anymore.

Sleep disturbances are a hot topic among the women I see in my practice, and in my online community. Many women, perhaps like you, struggle to control their thoughts, emotions and actions because they’re so freaking TIRED, and maybe even a little wired. Even I, who usually sleeps very well, had a bought of insomnia for months back in 2014 when I was under a lot of stress and in a bad job.

What Happens in Your Body When You Don’t Get Enough Sleep

Our quality of sleep is very much tied to our hormones, for better or for worse. In fact, some research has shown that upwards of 67% of menstruating women have experienced sleep problems, especially in the few days before their period arrives.

There are real problems that can develop and arise when we don’t get enough sleep.

Weight

Poor sleep can really pack on the pudge- especially in the belly area. Before that statement triggers you to start hating on your belly some more, take this in. You have two major appetite hormones, leptin and ghrelin. Poor sleep quality can increase your ghrelin (which makes you hungry) and decrease your leptin (which keeps you feeling full and satisfied). Basically, this means you’re more likely to overeat if you have chronically disrupted sleep. I remember eating constantly throughout the day just to try and keep myself awake when I was going through my sleep issues. I definitely gained weight and felt even worse about myself during this time.

Sex Hormones and Menstrual Cycle

As I mentioned above, many women experience sleep problems a few days or a week before their period arrives. Just when we WANT more sleep to rejuvenate and give the PMS monster a rest, we are deprived. What gives? Well, a few days before your period, both estrogen and progesterone (which have been high up until this point) dip (often drastically).

Progesterone is a calming hormone, one that helps us to sleep better at night, and reduces our depression and anxiety. When it comes to sleep and PMS, the problem is two-fold. First, progesterone is often super LOW in women who experience various symptoms of hormonal imbalance. Second, progesterone dips, often quite dramatically just before our period starts. So, if you have low progesterone to start with, you might experience poor sleep a lot more often, maybe throughout your whole luteal phase (second half of your cycle), and the drastic decline of what little progesterone you had worsens the problem right before Aunt Flo arrives.

Yuck.

If your estrogen is also low, or too high in comparison to your progesterone levels, this could increase the problem BIG TIME. Many women entering perimenopause and menopause note sleep difficulties because both their estrogen and progesterone are on a general decline, as the adrenal glands take over hormone production from the ovaries.

Lastly, if you experience irregular or absent menstrual cycles, there could be another factor influencing both your sleep quality and your cycle regularity. That is the hormone melatonin. Melatonin helps regulate our circadian rhythm (or sleep-wake cycle), and without adequate melatonin and a great circadian rhythm, your estrogen, progesterone, thyroid hormone and luteinizing hormone (LH) levels will be thrown out of whack- delaying or preventing ovulation. No ovulation = no period.

Everything Else in Your Body

Sleep isn’t just important for your waistline and hormones balance- it will essentially effect almost any other system in the body. As you may be aware, there are different stages to sleep. The deepest sleep stage is the time of real repair for your body. Cells are able to repair damage from stress and trauma, the immune system gets a boost and your metabolism stays on track. A lot of this healing is due to higher levels of growth hormone, which does trigger “growth” in kids, but is used for healing in us adult folk.

Long story short, not enough sleep will slow or halt your body’s critical repair time, will slow your metabolism to a crawl and isn’t doing you any favours when it comes to managing stress!

This is Why You Can’t Sleep

If you’re reading this, chances are you haven’t slept well through the night in a really long time. Maybe it’s because you can’t fall asleep, or perhaps you can’t stay asleep, or both. The interesting part is, regardless of what type of sleep issue you have, often there is a similar story to how you got to this point.

Your Brain Won’t Turn Off

Many of the women who come to see me as private clients tell me that they just can’t seem to turn their brain off at night. Often, they replay the day in their head, continue to worry about things happening tomorrow, or situations that are out of their control. They lie in bed and stew, ruminating over stuff that matters and stuff that doesn’t. Sometimes this is the ONLY time in the day these women have to have a thought of their own. Pretty scary. Is this you too?

You’re Incredibly Stressed

Yep, it’s official- we’re all STRESSED. Like, to the max. To the top. To the point of not being able to take it anymore. Maybe your stressed out way of living makes you embarrassed for yourself because you’re freaking out on innocents who really haven’t done anything earth shattering.

Chronic stress raises the stress hormone cortisol, which is produced in your adrenal glands. Cortisol, while healthy in normal amounts and rhythms, can really disrupt your sleep. Cortisol should be highest when you first wake up (part of that circadian rhythm) and then gradually decline until is becomes very low before you go to bed, leaving you sleepy and ready for slumber. However, in the chronically stressed woman, cortisol levels often become high all the time, or they REVERSE. Reversed cortisol will make it hard to get out of bed in the morning, but you’ll be so wired by bedtime that it’s nearly impossible to fall asleep.

You Don’t Take Time for YOU

This is really a continuation of the above. No time for you = poor stress management. Simple statement, simple truth. Are you taking time for yourself? No, not with a friend, or watching TV with your spouse. Just by yourself, for yourself. Like maybe a hot bath with a good book and a pice of dark chocolate. Or doing a facial mask and body scrub just because. OR going for a solo walk to listen to the sounds of nature and get grounded. If you don’t remember the last time you’ve done one of these, or have NEVER done it, it’s time to make a change. For the sake of your health, and your sleep.

What IS Healthy Sleep?

Yep, pretty sad, but often we don’t know. Should it be 9 hours? Should I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow? How do I know if I’ve gotten enough sleep? These are pretty common questions.

The truth is, the amount of sleep required varies for every individual. However, there are some great guidelines to move towards. Adults are recommended to get between 7 and 9 hours of sleep per night. Many women get only 5 or 6. This is the amount of time your body needs to really rejuvenate.

If you wake up NOT feeling rested, and you’re a moody and binge-eating mess for the rest of the day, chances are your sleep quality isn’t very good. If you’re waking up 3 times a night to pee, or just because your body jerks you awake for no good reason- your sleep quality isn’t up to par.

How to Get a Good Night’s Sleep – 6 Natural Sleep Hacks

There are endless strategies to getting a good night’s sleep in a holistic way, and I’ve outlined my favourite 6 below. I urge you to pick ONE and try it for 1 week. I bet it’ll make a big difference. Add in other techniques as necessary until you find a good balance.

#1 Laptop Curfew

Giving yourself a laptop curfew, or a time before bed when ALL screens are turned off is imperative for healthy, rejuvenating sleep. Whether you’re emailing, watching TV, flipping through Facebook on your phone or using any other device with a screen, turn it off at least one hour before going to sleep.

Why? Well, the simple reason is that these devices cognitively stimulating, making you feel more awake. Additionally, when your brain becomes revved up, it often puts our body into “fight or flight” mode, increasing stress and stress hormone output. What we want for good sleep is to be in “rest and digest” mode- and screen time won’t get you there. Lastly, the blue light emitted by these devices delays the production and release of your sleep hormone, melatonin because your hypothalamus (itty-bitty part of your brain) becomes stimulated.

#2 Bedtime Rituals

While a laptop curfew could be considered a bedtime ritual, I highly recommend that becomes only PART of what you do at night to prepare yourself for sleep. Having rituals that you do every single night really helps your body to have a sense of routine. Over time, your body will be signalled to move into that “rest and digest” mode simply through the actions of your rituals. If rituals sounds a little woo-woo to you, feel free to think of them as a bedtime routine.

Here are some examples of bedtime rituals. I urge you to try any or all of them, until you find what works best in your life. Then, commit to doing them nightly and you’ll be sleeping like a baby in no time!

Laptop curfew (see instructions above)
Brain dumping (see info below)
Restorative, Gentle or Yin yoga
Deep breathing or meditation
An epsom salt bath (see more about using it’s main component Magnesium below)
Reading a fluff novel- no true crime or other stimulating subjects
Applying a lotion with calming scents like lavender, chamomile or sage
Diffusing essential oils into the bedroom like lavender, chamomile, sage, vetiver, ylang ylang, sandalwood, cedarwood, bergamot or marjoram
Having a cup of herbal tea- look in stores for a sleepytime blend or try lavender, chamomile, rose, passionflower, skullcap, or lemon balm
Laying out your clothes for the next day and pre-packing your lunch

#3 Brain Dump

Brain dumping is often one of the most effective sleep remedies in my clinical experience. Many women simply can’t fall asleep because their minds are constantly running- with worries, to-dos, song lyrics, TV show outcomes- you name it. Being able to take all of that circling information out of your brain and onto paper can help to relax the mind and prepare for sleep.

To do a brain dump, get yourself a little notebook and a pen to keep by your bedside. Don’t do this in an app or on your phone, because you’re turning screens off before bed, right? Every night before bed, write down everything that’s running in your mind. It doesn’t have to make sense, and no one is going to read it, so let the words flow from your mind onto the paper. You never even have to read it again if you don’t want to, so don’t let this be a scary experience.

Once you feel you’ve written everything down, or your mind feels finally calm, stop the dumping and you should be ready for sleep!

#4 Magnesium

Possibly my favourite nutrient/supplement for sleep, magnesium can truly work wonders. Magnesium is both a muscle and nervous system relaxant, meaning that it will help calm your body and mind for restful slumber. I find that many women with hormonal imbalances and sleep issues are deficient in magnesium, and bringing this nutrient up to par in your body may be great for your sleep.

There are many different forms of magnesium, like citrate, glycinate and malate- all of which are helpful for sleep. One thing to note is that higher doses of the citrate form may cause loose bowels or gassiness in some people. For that reason I often recommend the glycinate form, but you can choose what works for you. You can also use magnesium in the form of epsom salts, which are essentially magnesium sulfate, and can be absorbed through the skin when you take a bath.

If you are taking a supplement, start with 200mg daily before bed. You can work up to a dose that’s right for your body- up to 1200mg daily. If you are taking more than 400mg, split the doses and take some during the day as well- don’t worry, it won’t make you sleepy or drowsy during the day. Be consistent in taking the magnesium for a few months to see how it will work for you.

#5 Sleep Herbs

If you know me, you know I love herbal medicine. Sleep is a great application to use herbs. Herbs can be taken as tea, tincture or capsules. I find clinically that teas and tinctures tend to work faster for the purposes of getting to sleep.

Here is a list of herbs that may be helpful for sleep:

valerian
skullcap
passionflower (this can be combined with the above two herbs for a potent combination in tincture form)
lavender
chamomile
lemon balm
peppermint
rose
St. John’s wort (note: don’t take if you’re on antidepressants)

Teas can be made by using 1 tsp of the herb or herb mixture with one cup boiling water poured over. Steep covered for 10-15 minutes for maximum benefits.

Tinctures can be taken in the few hours before bed.

#6 Pre-Bed Protein Snack

A common reason women may wake during the night or have trouble staying asleep is imbalanced blood sugar. If your body believes it doesn’t have enough fuel, it might wake you up during the night. If you find yourself waking up more than once a night, or having trouble falling back to sleep or you need to eat something in the middle of the night, blood sugar imbalance may be at the root of your issue.

Of course, it is important to balance blood sugar all day with every meal and snack, but specifically for sleep, having a pre-bed protein snack could help. Protein helps to balance blood sugar and keep us full, as well as providing building blocks for the repair your body does at night.

Some examples of protein snacks to enjoy 1-2 hours before bed would be:

Small handful of nuts
One tbsp of nut butter (like almond or cashew) on a bit of fruit (like half an apple or pear)
A small cup of chicken soup, or another soup with protein in it
Chia pudding topped with some hemp seeds
Two tbsp of grass-fed collagen protein (like from Great Lakes or Vital Proteins) mixed into your nightly herbal tea
A little bit of leftover cooked chicken or turkey with some salt

As you can see, while sleep disturbances can be extremely debilitating there are many natural remedies that are very efficient in helping your body to get back on a regular sleep-wake circadian rhythm.

The Wisdom of Stepping Into Your Flow

Guest Post by Amber Chalus

When was the last time that you let yourself just be as you are?

Without the constant need to rush. To push. To strive. To accomplish.

Just stepping into the flow of the present moment. Allowing. Receptive. Free.

In a society lost in a world obsessed with productivity, doing more and pushing harder — those kinds of days are becoming few and far between.

This past month, when I was teaching at a women’s retreat, I said something a little bit edgy. But so true…

“You become what you worship.”

Now I don’t mean what do you believe in a spiritual sense. I mean, what do you worship in your day-to-day life?

What do you spend MOST of your time doing? Who do you spend MOST of your time with? What do spend MOST of your time watching?

Think about it for a moment. What do YOU give most of your attention to?

Does your to-do list win out above your family? Does your cell phone eat up hours of your time from the moment you wake up? Does your life revolve around what you do, what you accomplish and what you need to achieve?

Cramming more and more into every single moment of every single day women have been convinced that being busy is the ultimate symbol of success.

Do more? More worthy. Give more? More loved. Achieve more? More respected.

So then, even in those moments that know you need a break. To relax. To unwind. To just fill up your cup…you feel guilty for even thinking about it.

**Because deep down you secretly believe you need to do more or else you’re failing at life.**

And guess who loses out in the process? Your body. Your mind. Your spirit. And everyone around you.

You’re business struggles. Your partner misses out. Your children get caught in the cross fire.

As you pretend to be “happy” with the way things are, you know that there is something missing.

So you keep on pushing forward. “Maybe next week when things slow down….” you remind yourself yet again as you glance across the room to that book you’ve been meaning to read for ages. “This can’t be my life…I’m falling apart from the inside. What’s happening to me?!”, you think to yourself laying up in bed at night. Stressing about how you’re going to make it through another day.

Forcing yourself into a box. You feel trapped. Pushing yourself to your physical and mental limits. You feel exhausted. Demanding more from your body. You feel drained.

Sound familiar? Heck, yeah it does.

And you’re not the only one. You see it in every woman you speak with. Friends. Sisters. Your mother. The girl working at the bank and the woman standing next to you at the coffee shop.

We are all fighting to win a race that we don’t even care about.

Chasing a finish line that (although it might look impressive to other people) will never make us truly happy. Secretly dreaming of the day we can just press pause on life and finally take a breath.

So today I want to ask you a very important question…

Is this the life you want to live?

Really? Are these the moments you want to look back on at the end of your life?

And if the answer is no, then it’s time you made a change. And this kind of change takes courage. Real courage.

Because when you finally decide to step away from the “box“, the constant need to “please” and your addiction to being “busy”….you’re going to feel a little out of place.

Like you’re not doing quite enough. But that’s exactly the point.

The truth is you were meant to be who you are. Not fighting to be something you aren’t.

So if you want to feel more at ease in your body, in love with your life and connected to your truth…it’s time to reconnect with your feminine flow my friend.

The part of your being that seeks to play, dance, connect, create, feel, experience life with ease and grace. Instead of chasing deadlines and winning races that drain the life out of you.

Stepping into your flow is incredibly powerful and deeply intuitive — when you finally introduce it back into your life.

But most women never even give themselves the chance. They hide away their emotions, cut off their creativity and cut off their femininity.

All because she was told that “Creativity and self expression is a total waste of time”, “You’ll never be good enough just the way you are” and that “Getting a good job, the rich husband, the well behaved children and a perfect house” should be her ultimate goals in life.

Trying to fit in…no matter what that looks like for you, will always leave you feeling depleted and disconnected from your true power.

So ask yourself, “How can I step back into my own flow? What experiences does my body crave? What movement would feel delightful for me? What art would make my heart sing to create?”

It’s time to honour the flowing, the dancing, the creative, the beautiful, the ever-changing, the wisdom of your feminine energy.

Take time to breathe deep into your heart. To move your body and sway your hips.

To stay up late and dance underneath the moonlight. To spend all weekend reading mystery novels. To make art and create beauty without the need to charge for it.

To speak to strangers about their hopes and dreams. Walk the path less followed and listen to your own inner wisdom — instead of following celebrities on instagram.

Be the woman who worships the wisdom of her flow instead of the rules of the world. That my friend, is freedom.

Amber Chalus, founder and creator of The Liberated Woman™ is a Free-Spirited Explorer, Inspirational Writer, Yoga Teacher and Podcast Host. Her mission is to help and inspire women to nurture their physical and spiritual health through yoga, mindfulness and radical self love. She believes that every woman deserves to feel connected to her body, radiate with confidence and live the life of her dreams – naturally and with love.

She currently lives in Nipawin, Saskatchewan with her charming British husband and adorable rescue dog, Indiana Jones. Exploring even more ways to empower women to Escape The Ordinary, Embody Their Bliss & Find Freedom Within. Listen to her weekly podcast over at TLWPodcast.com or join the community at AmberChalus.com

Why Quick Health Fixes Don’t Work + What Absolutely Does

If you’ve attended any of my online workshops then you know how much I dislike quick fixes and crash diets. You might also know that I’ve tried many of them myself, only to fail time and time again.

When I say quick fixes, what I truly mean is any kind of crash diet plan which promises unhealthy amounts of weight loss in a short period of time- like losing 10 or 20 pounds in one week. I’m also talking about those programs which unnecessarily restrict your eating and turn your exercise into something out of the military. There are hundreds, probably thousands of programs like that out there.

While it is true that you may experience some results, like weight lost or maybe some more muscle definition- the weight and pudge tends to come back after the program is over, and then some.

I remember working at a health food store while I was in nutrition school. At least 50% of the people who came through the door were looking for a weight loss remedy. Specifically a pill or two they could take to drop weight, and drop loads of weight quickly. I would have to look at them and explain that while the store did carry supplements of this nature, many of them came with their own laundry list of potential cautions and side effects. Many of these customers were hell bent on their choices however, believing what certain TV doctors were telling them in a 2 minute clip.

If you’ve ever tried some diet pills, done some crash dieting and calorie counting or military-style workouts only to drop a bit of weight and gain it back in double, this article is for you.

Here’s a few reasons these programs and pills are failing you every time:

They Muck Up Insulin

Many crash diet programs focus on two things: reducing calories and reducing dietary fat. Both of these strategies have the potential to really fuck up our blood sugar. Insulin is the hormone that regulates our blood sugar levels. If we become insensitive to insulin, this leads to a myriad of problems. Everything in our body depends on the well-working relationship between blood sugar and insulin. Without it, we feel stressed, gain weight, can’t ovulate, and feel depressed.

Calorie counting focuses only on the total calories you intake during the day, rather than the proportions of certain foods that you eat. So in theory, you could enjoy five 100-calorie snack packs as long as it fits into your daily total, even though they have zero nutrients. So you end up eating a sugary, carb-filled day of food and feel SUPER hungry despite eating a little something every couple of hours. You are literally starving your body of the nutrients and calories it needs to function optimally- in order to balance your hormones and boost your metabolism.

Additionally, those low-fat diets make me absolutely crazy. The school of thought that fats are bad for you is ludicrous. This science came out of some bad studies back in the day, and a low-fat diet was promoted for a few decades as being heart-disease preventative and great for weight loss. The truth is that every single fucking cell on our bodies has fat in it. Our body makes hormones (like estrogen and cortisol) from cholesterol in fat. No fat = Shitty health.

When we eat fat, we are satisfied for at least 4 hours. More fat = No overeating. Eating a larger proportion of healthy dietary fats (like avocados, coconut oil and seeds) reduces the amount of blood sugar and insulin floating around. Insulin is a fat storage hormone, so the less active insulin there is, the less fat will be stored in your body. Not to mention that your hormones will work to keep you on an even keel day in and day out.

They Decrease (Already Negligible) Self-Confidence

So many of us do these crash diet programs and pills because we don’t feel good about ourselves. We’re too fat to be loveable. We’re too fat to get the raise or find a spouse. We’re too fat, ugly and shitty. These programs market to us in a very strategic way to make us feel as bad about ourselves as possible. Then we’ll buy their program, right?

While surface confidence may increase when you lose weight, the ugly cycle restarts when the weight starts to climb again, and we feel out of control. I don’t know about you, but I’ve definitely been a slave to the scale. Thinking if I was X pounds, I would finally be happy. But when you step on the scale one day to see a much anticipated number, only to see it climb by 2 pounds the very next day, it’s quite a blow to the psyche.

They Don’t Emphasize the Creation of a Long-Term Lifestyle

Quick weight loss, and see ya later! That’s the mentality of many crash diet programs. There is absolutely no education on how to keep up a healthful lifestyle after the program is finished. So we go back to our old ways- it’s human nature!

And even if you tried to continue a low-calorie, low-fun program going for the long-term, eventually the body will crash. Crash from not enough calories, and not enough nutrient density. Sure, avocados may be higher calorie and higher fat, but they also provide your body with loads of important fats, vitamins and minerals which keep you healthy and happy. The opposite of this is those damned 100-calorie packs (which I loathe). They provide some calories, and zero nutrition. These foods are so doctored its amazing people are living (not thriving) on a diet of these every day! Don’t you want to THRIVE?

Their Science is Crap

Remember that I mentioned the old school of thought about low-fat, calorie-reduced diets are healthful? Yeah, it’s total crap. Sorry to burst your bubble but someone had to drop this knowledge on you. Our bodies are in dire need of fat and calories. There’s even whole cultures who eat mainly fat (like the Inuit and other northern aboriginal cultures) and thrive on it. They don’t eat any boxed or bagged foods, and somehow still manage to be healthier than a lot of us!

Our bodies need cholesterol to make all steroid hormones- including cortisol, estrogen, progesterone and testosterone (to name a few). Where does that cholesterol come from? F-A-T. Go ahead, eat those eggs. Eat that fish. Eat those nuts and seeds. Your body thanks you.

What about the old adage that reducing calories and doing cardio will help you lose weight and balance hormones? Crap. Reducing calories only makes your body think it’s starving and so in an effort to prepare for a potential lack of food, your body goes into fat storage mode. Even the carbs you’re eating will be stored as fat. Add that to the breakdown of muscle tissue (not fat tissue) that results from low-calorie diets and you have a recipe for disaster. Disaster as in poor hormonal balance, super slow metabolism and yes, even mood problems like anxiety and depression.

If you’re mind is completely blown after reading this, and now you’re freaking out because you don’t know what to do or how to eat, don’t worry. It’s really not all that complicated. Here’s a few tips on what works.

What Can I Do That Actually Works?

Be a tortoise, not a hare.

Slow and steady wins the race. I get that you want to be some pounds lighter already. And you’re sick of trying shit. And you want to be at the end result already- like how many more months and years should you have to struggle?

Get it. Been there. Tried it all. You know what worked? Going slow. Giving in to the process. Accepting myself as I am now, even though I still want to make changes.

Eat the rainbow.

Don’t restrict yourself (unless you have to due to allergies or other diseases, of course). Variety makes me happy. I love being able to have 10 different vegetables in my fridge to enjoy for the week. I don’t enjoy the fake crap that comes in bags, boxes and cartons. No flavor (except maybe salt, sugar or chemicals), no nutrition, no value. Throw it away and replace it with some colorful shit.

Plan ahead.

Yes, leading a healthy happy hormone-promoting lifestyle takes some planning. I use one day per week to prep most of my food- from chopping veggies to cooking proteins and preparing snacks. I even cut up my green juice veggies ahead of time when I know I’ll be busy. I run my own business and still manage to be healthy. You can too.

Pick some easy recipes. Make a grocery list. Stick to it. Prep the food when you get home. Throw some prepped shit together after a long day at work and voila! Healthy dinner. Repeat.

Get accountability and support.

Trying to do it alone is no good. Creating a separate meal for yourself while watching your spouse and kids eat some crappy shit you’d rather be shovelling in, sucks. Trying to manage your already busy life and include healthy food, lifestyle and emotional practices is a lot. Why not ask your hubby to take on some responsibility? Get your kids in the kitchen and let them tear lettuce and shred carrots for a salad. Get an organic produce box delivery. Make big batches of healthy food and swap with your girlfriends- might take a night or two of cooking off your plate.

Schedule time to meditate and move your body. Seek out a natural healthcare practitioner to put you on the right track and to keep you accountable to your personal goals. Join groups and take workshops with like-minded women who can support you in your journey. Whatever it takes!

Personalize it.

Most diet programs are not personalized. They say eat 1200 calories and do 45 minutes of cardio 5 days per week not matter who you are. If our bodies are all individual (they are) and no two alike (they aren’t), then why would you want to use a program that promises results for men and women, young and old, diseased and un-diseased? Doesn’t make sense. Find a program, community or practitioner that can personalize your journey by recommending specific foods, exercise protocols and supplements to get you where you want to be. This is how you can be sure what you’re doing is addressing all the root causes of your issues.

What have you noticed about your results from crash diet programs? What is missing from these programs that you wish you had? Please share in the comments!

Time to Bust Myths About Healthy Sex, Sexuality and Libido

Guest Post with Kim Sedgwick.

Robyn: Welcome to the blog Kim! I’m so thrilled to have you here to share your expertise. Can you share with readers briefly how you came to be in the holistic sexuality business?

Kim: Growing up I was the “go-to” resource for my friends when they had a sex-related question. I was fortunate to have three older sisters (including Amy, who I now work with) who shared their stories and resources. I still have a well-worn copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves and I have fond memories of watching the Sunday Night Sex Show. Those positive experiences helped foster a sense of curiosity about sexuality, and eventually lead me to pursue a degree in Gender and Women’s Studies. Many of the books for my courses were available through the local sex shop, Venus Envy, in Halifax. I loved the concept of the business – combining feminist literature, menstrual products, and toys all in the same space. When I came back to Toronto after completing my degree I was talking to my sister who had just discovered the Justisse Method of Fertility Awareness. Her passion for natural birth control and reproductive health aligned beautifully with my own interests, so together we formed Red Tent Sisters in 2007. I’ve been working in the holistic sexuality field ever since.

Robyn: What are the biggest myths about female desire?

Kim: Unfortunately there are a number of myths. The one I hear most often is that women should be able to orgasm from vaginal penetration. We are given such limited representations of what sex looks like when it comes to the media. How often do you see a heterosexual couple have intercourse (usually in the missionary position) for less than five minutes and then they magically orgasm at exactly the same time? In reality, most women need some kind of clitoral stimulation in order to climax. In fact, research suggests that up to 70% of women have difficulty orgasming from intercourse alone.

I’d say the other big myth is that women should have “spontaneous” desire when in fact many experience “responsive” desire – meaning they get turned on in reaction to something arousing happening (their partner rubbing their shoulders, seeing an erotic image). This is huge because many women are being told they have “low libido” and are being prescribed medications when in fact there’s nothing wrong with their desire at all. Instead, there’s something wrong with our limited view of how we “should” experience desire.

Robyn: Low libido is a common complaint among women I work with and women with hormonal imbalances. How can women raise their libido naturally?

Kim: Great question. I don’t have to tell you or your community about the importance of nutrition! A clean diet will go a long way towards addressing hormonal imbalances that may be affecting libido. Stress also wreaks havoc on your sex life, so making sure you’ve got some self-care systems in place (meditation, exercise, journaling, etc.) is huge. Lastly, charting your menstrual cycle can help you to understand your natural ebbs and flows. It’s easier to embrace the “low” times in your cycle if you know it’s temporary. Rather than worrying that you’ve “lost your mojo” you’ll appreciate that it’s your body’s way of telling you to nurture other parts of yourself and/or your partnership.

Robyn: What is your #1 piece of advice for women trying to improve their sex life?

Kim: Let go of what you think your sex life should look like and invest in discovering what turns you on. I often find that women who are concerned about low libido are in fact not interested in sex because the kind of sex that’s on the menu isn’t really turning them on. It’s hard to be excited about something that’s not enjoyable! We live in a society that equates sex with intercourse, but there are LOTS of other ways to experience pleasure, both solo and with a partner. I love Ian Kerner’s idea of treating foreplay (manual stimulation, oral sex) as coreplay – the main event. If you’re looking for alternative scripts of what sex can look like, I suggest checking out some feminist erotica or instructional videos, like those by Erika Lust or Tristan Taormino. I also address these topics in my Confidence Building Secrets course.

Robyn: Sex can be a taboo subject, and sometimes causes guilt or shame in women. What are some of the things that hold women back from a happy, healthy sex life?

Kim: Despite living in a sex-saturated society, it’s rare to have honest, sex-positive conversations. As a result, I think a lot of women feel alone. That isolation can contribute to shame and fear, and holds so many people back from fully embracing the breadth of their desire. I really think that the key to a happier, healthier sex life is a willingness to be vulnerable – with our friends, our lovers, and ourselves. In the words of Brené Brown, “If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.”” That’s why I’m so passionate about creating safe spaces for people to share their stories – whether it’s in a group workshop, online, or in more intimate settings. It’s powerful to declare “this is what I want” and have that received with compassion. I dream of a day when we can all experience that acceptance and love.

Robyn: Confidence is a huge part of sexuality (and general wellness!). How can women improve their confidence in the bedroom?

Kim: I always say it’s hard to feel confident doing something you’ve never been taught how to do and sadly we’re not taught how to be great lovers. My sex education certainly didn’t include lessons on how to perform oral sex, or the best positions to maximize clitoral stimulation. That’s why I’m passionate about helping folks to get the sex class they never had – one that focuses on pleasure. So I teach a course called Confidence Building Secrets for Pleasuring Him and the companion course, Confidence Building Secrets for Pleasuring Her. There are also a number of great books and other resources that provide practical techniques so my suggestion is to find a format that feels right for you. I think the key is viewing sex like any other skill in life – one that you get better at through education, practice, and a willingness to experiment.

Despite living in a sex-saturated society, Kim feels that candid, honest conversations about sexuality are far too rare. It’s her mission to help change that! Through workshops and one-on-one coaching, she supports women who are ready to begin claiming and communicating their erotic desires. Kim is a co-founder, along with her sister Amy, of Red Tent Sisters – a business dedicated to women’s reproductive and sexual health. Her work has been featured in every major Canadian media outlet, including The Globe & Mail, The Huffington Post, The Toronto Star and Maclean’s. She’s also appeared on CTV, Rogers TV and Cosmo TV. You can connect with Kim at redtentsisters.com.